Chapter 48 – Reality Bites
The rain drummed down on the hut's roof. Harm stared at a small pool of water that had formed from the leak in the thatch. Each drop landed and exploded in fury as his thoughts were all-consuming.
What have I become? Harm thought.
You are becoming what you wished for. A tool of vengeance, a prophet of justice to those who hurt you. The god's voice echoed in reply.
No. I am no beast. I am a man, a husband, a father, a leader. The thought of husband and father stung as he thought of them, images of Dahlia, Marius and Yonda flickering at the edges of his mind. There but not quite, shadowy representations, as though fading. No, he could never let that happen.
Can not all those seek justice?
But not like this. Harm shook his head violently, and the shadows slowly crept further into his mind, blanketing, numbing and hiding the torture that racked him.
Then how? Alone? With no clan? No friends? No family? How would you achieve your goal otherwise? The god didn't mock, it just questioned.
There has to be another way. Harm thought his anger flared.
You said 'I do', the journey has started, your evolution has begun. Time ticks forward, not backwards.
"No," Harm said aloud. "I won't fall that far."
Fall? You're not fallen, you're growing, evolving, becoming the truth that you seek, the retribution, the bringer of death. The god's voice was now soft, manipulative, and burrowing into his soul. He could feel the tug towards darkness, his chest felt tight, and his breathing harried.
Harm hadn't spoken to a being since his return from his slaughter. Not even Dafu, who had tried to talk to him, but Harm had ignored him, slamming his hut door in his face.
There was a gentle knock on his door, and Harm slowly stood, his thoughts being blanketed for the briefest moment.
"What?" he called as he walked to it.
"It's Pardew. I need to speak to you."
Harm opened the door, and the friendly face of the old man smiled at him. "You got a minute?" Pardew asked.
Harm looked dreadful, his face drawn, his shoulders slumped, not the man he was known for, a mere shadow. He took a shuddering breath. "To talk about what?" Harm asked.
"You," Pardew responded gently.
Harm's eyes flickered. "Me?" Confusion struck him. "What about me?"
"Since you came back, two hours have passed, and you've not said a word to a soul. Not even Dafu and rumours are already spreading."
"Rumours?" Harm frowned.
"Can I come inside?" Pardew asked, standing outside in the rain still.
"Sorry," Harm said as he stepped aside. Pardew entered and sat in a chair, while Harm closed the door before sitting on the edge of his bed.
"What rumours?" Harm asked, now that they were out of the rain.
"The whole clan is talking about you. They say you were unstoppable, murdering seven in the blink of an eye. Is it true?"
Harm stared at Pardew for several moments, and a tear trickled down his cheek. "I don't know," Harm said as his body shook, as though walking on a winter's day.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I can't remember... Well, I can, but I'm not sure it was me..." Harm trailed off.
"That doesn't make sense," Pardew's face scrunched in confusion. "What do you mean, not you?"
Harm's sat clenching and unclenching his fists nervously. He had no idea how the god would react, but he had to tell someone; he needed to speak to another human, someone who saw things the same way. Dafu was his friend, but their cultural backgrounds were different. Harm had lived the goblin way and witnessed it as he changed their lives, for the better, he hoped.
As Harm opened his mouth, tears fell freely. Pardew was sitting opposite him, his face one of concern. He didn't reach out to comfort Harm; he just sat and listened as the words tumbled from Harm's lips.
The story of his family, the poisoning, his decline, his resurgence, Sinclair and his accusations, the conflict, the kidnapping, the torture, the break for freedom, Wes and Sister Carol, the capture and torture of Dafu, his promise, his sacrifice, ending with the deal with a deity. He didn't pause, didn't break, and neither did the tears. Sobs racked him, his large frame jerking, a broken man once more, ashamed and feeble.
The god didn't speak, not once interrupting.
As Harm finished, only then did Pardew reach out, Harm's hands shaking uncontrollably, emotionally drained, physically broken. Pardew took his hand in his own, cradling it gently. Harm could feel the rough texture of his palms, callused from years of working leather, the fingers stained from the dyes.
Harm stared at the old man's hands, his vision blurred by his tears.
"You need not be ashamed... I was aware of some of the happenings, the accusations, and your family's fate. Sister Carol spoke to me before she was murdered. May her soul find peace in the requiem. But what you have attested to, no man should ever suffer, and any loving father or husband would do the same. I should know, I watched my village burn as a child, my family slaughtered. If only I had the strength that you have shown now," Pardew's eyes held sadness. "Angelica saved me. Made me the man I became, and now you and your acquired wayward family have again given me hope and meaning. Never lose sight of who you are. You care deeply. I see it daily, your love for the clan, your love for your friends. They're not the actions of a demon but of a compassionate human."
Harm looked up, meeting the man's gaze. "You mean that?" Pardew's words had resonated within him. As he listened, the clouds in his mind slowly retreated. Harm felt like a child, listening to their mother tell them everything would be alright after they fell and grazed their knee. He felt pathetic, not like the leader he was supposed to be.
"I do. No man is perfect. No one can ever be. All beings make choices and mistakes. What makes us different from the beasts of this world is that we learn from them. Just as you soon remember to keep your hand away from the fire after being burned for the first time, we learn from our experiences. You have a clan that follows you and would do anything for you. Their respect is unquestioned."
Harm placed his other hand on top of Pardew's. His shaking slowed, although his tears didn't stop. "Thank you."
Pardew smiled, there was warmth, genuine warmth that Harm felt. The man cared; cared deeply.
Harm closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. Slowly exhaling as he gathered himself. There was another knock on the door. Pardew released Harm's hands and stood before he crossed to answer it.
"Oh!" Dafu said in surprise as he saw Pardew. Rain dripped down the goblin's face, the rain not having lessened. He peered past Pardew, seeing Harm frowning. "Are you okay?"
Harm forced a weak smile. "I will be, I think. Come in out of the rain, you idiot."
Dafu walked inside, shaking off like a dog.
"This weather is terrible. Looks like it may be here for a few days as well. It's got that feel," Dafu said as he finished stamping his feet. He looked at Harm again, before turning to Pardew and back again. "Are you sure you're okay?"
Harm closed his eyes. "I'm fine, I promise. I just needed to unload."
"You could have spoken to me," Dafu huffed, feeling a little dejected.
"I'm not sure you'd have understood," Harm said honestly.
"Try me," Dafu said, his arms folded.
Harm shook his head as he reiterated his tale, not bothering with the parts that Dafu was already aware of.
As Harm finished speaking, Dafu looked at him with incredulity. "And you think that's a weakness? Something to be sorry about. You're strength is unmatched, and you have not just dragged this clan out of the depths of starvation, but united the whole valley. You think that's a weakness? Something to concern you? For all the dragons on Amathera, what any clan would do to have a leader and warrior as strong as you."
Harm smiled at his friend; he knew he wouldn't have understood, but he felt his passion and his belief. Dafu's loyalty was unparalleled; it may have been built initially by fear, but it had grown to have meaning, a deep meaning, one that couldn't be broken.
"And you say you have gifts from a god. You did say that, right? Didn't you?" Dafu said excitedly.
I knew I liked him. Death suddenly spoke, breaking his silence.
Harm felt the eyes of the clan on him as he sat eating under the shelter by the fire pit, the hogling was roasted to perfection. As the goblins sat chatting excitedly. Harm's prowess had spread thanks to the comments of Luubu, who sat next to Dafu on a trunk used as a seat. Carli was just collecting some food, using a brnach as a crutch to help her walk. Her leg had been healing well, thanks to the poultice and apparently, Bravu had been feeding her healing tonics as well. The thought of the tonic making Harm gag, knowing it was made from urine, was unsettling. He coughed as he swallowed his mouthful.
"How's it feeling?" Harm asked of Carli.
She turned and looked at Harm, smiling. "Much better than it was," Carli replied. As she hopped over, carefully balancing her plate. Her crutch suddenly slipped on the rain-soaked ground as she fell backwards. Harm, in an instant, jumped to his feet, his food forgotten, as he caught her.
"Thank you," she stammered, her face flushing as Harm picked up her crutch, giving it back to her.
"You sit down. I'll get some more food," Harm said, as he looked at both their plates, which lay facedown in the mud.
Carli sat as Harm got them more food before joining her.
"Here you go," Harm said.
"You didn't have to," Carli's cheeks still flushed.
Harm just frowned as he sat down. They ate in silence, and eventually Carli excused herself and went back to her hut.
Luubu elbowed Harm in his ribs once she'd gone. "You do realise that's twice you've saved her now, and getting her food!"
Harm frowned deeply. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"If I didn't know better," Luubu chuckled.
"Fuck off," Harm said. "I ain't looking for anything."
"Maybe too late now," Luubu said, still laughing.
"Leave him be," Dafu said, sticking up for his friend.
Luubu just looked at Dafu. "You saw how she eyed him. He's been chosen."
"He may have been, but that's up to Harm," Dafu said.
"What do you mean by chosen?" Harm said frantically.
"Oh. Picked, selected. How else would you like me to say it?" Luubu smiled.
"I'm not a cow in a market, I don't get chosen."
Dafu shrugged unhelpfully. "You live in a clan now."
Harm looked across at where Pardew was sitting with Pruni, who appeared to be very close to him. With that, Harm hurriedly stood and got himself some more food, not wishing for the conversation to continue. As he sat back down, a scout ran over to them.
It was Acloo, one of their best. "Harm. Those mercenaries you killed."
"Yes," Harm said.
"We found their horses tied up at the bottom of the trail. What do you want us to do with them?"
Harm hadn't considered horses; there was no way that they could be brought up into the hills. They wouldn't be able to make the climb. It was bad enough for goblins and humans, never mind a four-legged beast. The only possible route would be to travel the road to Kartoon and cut up from that side.
"There isn't much we can do with them," Dafu said.
Pardew had overheard the conversation and joined in. "We could sell them."
"How?" Harm asked.
"Kartoon. There are always horses for sale in the stables there."
Harm sat thinking about it for several moments. "No. It's to risky. We can't chance it. You going to Hillnot was bad enough, we aren't trying Kartoon as well. Especially as we know Satil is tied in with them."
"It was only a thought."
"If it weren't so risky, I'd agree. I also don't want to leave them there. They could easily be found, leading others to the trail."
"We could just kill them," Luubu said.
"No," Harm said.
"What then?" Dafu asked.
"Have you seen Bravu?"
"Why?"
"Didn't I hear that he needed to go to the plains to collect herbs? If so, we can send a small group and lead the horses there to release them. That way, they won't be found and returned to Sallew. Acloo, you don't mind going to the pains, do you?"
"No. Whatever you need," Acloo said.
"Okay then. Take Bravu and two others. Four of you should be enough to lead seven horses. Stick to the valley edge and then cross into the plains. Let Bravu collect what he needs and then return."
"Will do," Acloo replied without hesitation or question.
"That was easier than expected," Pardew said.
Luubu sighed. "I was looking forward to horse meat."
Harm frowned, looking at her sideways, shaking his head.
"Have you decided what you want to do by the way?" Dafu asked.
"About what?"
"Hillnot."
They had been talking about Hillnot after Harms' revelation and the threat they faced.
"I have."
"And?"
Pardew had wanted to go and inform them of the threat; he had dwarven friends who lived there after all.
"I think it's about time we put our new weapons to the test."
Several goblins sat around the fire fell silent as they heard him speak.
"If the mercenaries and Satil are planning to attack Hillnot, then we should be planning to attack them. They'd never expect an attack from behind, you know the valley like the back of your hand," Harm said, looking around the fire pit. Several of the goblins nodded in agreement.
"If they attack Hillnot, then we can hit them. We don't have to fight fair. We can hit and run. I doubt Hillnot is just going to lay down their weapons and open the gates for them."
"That may be true, but if we attack the mercenaries, won't they be stronger than us and still better equipped. You saw what we brought back with us," Dafu said.
"They may be, but if we can get a message to Hillnot that we will support from the valley. The dwarves may indeed come out and fight, rather than hide behind their walls."
"That's a long shot," Pardew replied. "How would you convince the dwarves that a goblin clan is going to help them?"
"I wouldn't. You would," Harm smiled as he met Pardew's wide eyes.
